I’ll get straight to the point: apparently, I am part rebound girl, part legit conquest.
Wow. Never been someone’s rebound girl. O_O
How does that make me feel? Honestly, I didn’t even know I was part rebound girl and didn’t want to consider being a legit conquest so I was pretty much unaffected by this whole thing but I do find this whole experience bizarre.
Apparently, there is a girl in Bacolod. Things didn’t go well. To my friends, it appeared like he crossed that girl’s name off his list and mine was next. I appeared to be someone who was just there. To his defense, his best friend said that it’s because there were many changes like how I lost weight (WHERE DID THAT HAPPEN? My sister said that it’s because I was wearing the right bra) so the guy wanted to get to know me more. As much as I was unaffected because I really held on to the whole friendship thing no matter how much every single instance pointed towards the other direction, one of my friends (the one who passed her thesis) asked his best friend to get it straight because I went through stuff* and she thinks that this (potential) relationship is going to create a rift** if this is going to become a thing. (I did not clarify whether he or I would be the cause of the rift. I assume it’s me, though.) The best friend confirmed that I was partly a legit conquest. Herp-derp. OTL
I did say that I accepted the invitation because he asked. Whether it goes awry or pleasant, I gain experience out of it as a writer. I still won some points when I went out with him. No harm, no foul. Just good clean fun so far. No dead people lying around. =3=
I also must get this out: There isn’t a shred of chance that it would go smoothly towards a happy-happy relationship because 1.) his happy-go-lucky and optimistic attitude will overpower me and kill me in the process, making me want to kill him; 2.) he is not going to make me a better person because he spoils me; and 3.) there is only one person*** who I’d agree to have a long distance relationship with and that’s not him. Whew.
Time to go through the asterisks!
*I think the stuff she is referring to is about this boy I played games with. I could be wrong, though, because I admittedly have gone through many things in life that make me write sad poetry and be all gloomy.
**To me, this is the real reason why I think I will create a rift: I am in love with another person*** for roughly nine freaking years, starting third year high school up until the present. If said person comes back to the Philippines and into my arms, I may become the biggest asshole and leave the other person — no matter what Johnny Depp said or how The Best of Me by Nicholas Sparks
***He is my lost love. I am working on accepting the fact that the boy is not straight (sexually gay, romantically bisexual, to quote him). Even if he is bisexual, he and I will never be together because we are oceans apart and have grown apart for so long that the possibility of loving one another is buried six feet under since the beginning.
With that being said, this is the main reason I am scared to find another person (let alone in our close-knit group) to love because these feelings have yet to die on its own for good. It did die many times during the times I have feelings for other people (such as the boy I played games with) but I don’t believe that finding another person is the solution to this. The feeling has been dead and alive again many times for too long. He has been 3000 miles away for seven years without no promise of returning and well, loving me back. Through this, I have learned that I can, apparently, wait forever for this one person to tell me that he loves me or that he would never love me because I am not a man. Hahaha. OTL /sooob
In other words, I appear available but I am not truly available. I am not free of my own feelings. I’d like to have a Naomi-type of realization (Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List), to be very honest. I want it to be something that I gradually accepted as hard as things are. I do think I’ll get there… just not now… or tomorrow.
But how does one free oneself from such deeply-rooted feelings? How would you go about this whole shebang? Haha.